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 blame yourself, too, for being such a spoiled brat

Okay, so when I was a kid, my parents bought me this book in which a kid says “thank you” for a pair of jeans or something, and everyone says “don’t thank me…” and the kid goes on to thank someone else farther back in the chain of events, and as you read the book you end up learning how jeans are made, AND at the end you learn that God, or Mother Nature or something, is to thank for every gift. This is my answer to those books.

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happy strip 1337

The only thing I clearly remember about growing my twelve-year molars is a weird lump of flesh that fell out of one of the tooth sockets during study hall.

Other than that, I just vaguely remember that it felt weird. Even now, my twelve-year molars still feel like something extra that was added as an afterthought. I still do most of my chewing with my six-year molars, as if my reflexes still haven’t figured out that I have teeth behind them (which I should use, because they’re newer and won’t wear out as soon, and I think my older teeth need a break).

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1334

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 not worse than eating a hotdog, though

According to Grandin, not all pigs will figure out that the collar is the thing opening the gate. Some will conclude that the gate opens because of whatever they happened to be doing the last time it opened for them– stamping their feet up and down, squealing, poking their noses at the gate, etc. In this respect, pigs can be a bit like superstitious humans.

Speaking of superstitious humans, there are 11 days till Christmas, so there might still be time to get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise if you pick one of the fastest shipping options! (And if you don’t manage to order it in time, you can always give each of your loved ones a card promising that you’ll get them a copy as soon as you can! Though in that case they’ll probably expect something pretty special to make up for your delay, so email me and I’ll hook you up with SIGNED copies! :))

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revenge will be miiiiiiiine!!

Around Christmas I tend to have occasional thoughts about how Christmas feels kind of pointless for adults without kids. (I guess because kids are the only ones inexperienced enough to have any illusions about Christmas meaning anything? But for them it does mean something… it means free toys and candy, while for the rest of us it just means tiresome family gatherings and endless gift-buying expenses. If some of your gift-recipients were children– with their inability to buy their own candy and toys, and thus their very genuine joy to receive them– it might actually feel a little rewarding.)

I suppose a lot of people decide they want kids around this time… it would make sense, because if they start trying now, they might very well conceive in January or February, which would fit with September and October being such common birthday months.

My parents are kind of backwards. I was probably conceived in August or September, since my birthday is June 1st. This would be logical and natural for a species that can’t raise newborns in the winter, like deer or something. (Or maybe Minnesotans ARE that way because of our climate. Those national statistics about the most common birth months– you never see them broken down by state.)

By the way, congrats to everyone who won books in the Fall Extravaganza! I’ve contacted the winners and mailed them their prizes.

Speaking of things that are popular during the winter holidays, there are now 17 days till Christmas, so get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise while there’s still time!

(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I’ll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt. At this point it might not get there by December 25th, though.)

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 some time ago I had a dream in which I re-watched the Gene Wilder version and noticed that it contained a scene where Wonka met Santa Claus, and that there were distinct romantic undertones between the two of them

When I read the book as a kid, I think what bothered me most was the very anti-Semitic description of the rival chocolatiers who tried to steal Wonka’s recipes, and the matching, stereotypical-looking illustrations. (I haven’t seen anyone else complain about that, so it’s possible that I was overreacting, though I have heard quite a bit about Dahl being anti-Semitic in general.) But going by the amount of time I spent thinking about it afterwards, the physical impossibility of the Gobstopper was still my most severe concern. I guess that makes me an incurable nerd.

Speaking of things that define you as an incurable nerd: are you worried that you don’t own enough awesomely geeky items to convince your discerning friends? 18 days till Christmas, so remember my books and Abby and Norma merchandise if you still need a present for anyone (or if you want to wear/read/bring something to make sure everyone at the Christmas party knows you’re as nerdy as they come)!

(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I’ll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)

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1331

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These are both spellings I've seen in books many times, but for some reason my spellchecker won't accept moustache

Just cause Hitler had one doesn’t make ’em automatically racist.

Speaking of things that make you look unique and eccentrically dignified like Hercule Poirot! …this is now the same month as Christmas, so if anyone’s expecting a Christmas present from you, remember I’ve got your books and Abby and Norma merchandise right here!

(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I’ll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)

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