933

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 illegal aliens!

As I write this, it’s March 18th, 2010. I just got my census, which asks how many people “were” living in my apartment on April 1st, 2010.

I could fill it out and send it in now, but what if one of us dies in the next two weeks? My answers would be wrong then. I’d better wait until April to fill it out.

But on the other hand, if one of us dies in the next two weeks, the remaining resident will probably be too distraught to remember to fill out the census. Do I risk giving wrong answers, or risk never sending in the census at all?

(Of course, I’m not actually asking for your advice in this matter, since I know you cannot send advice a year into the past. Unless you’re an awesome time traveler, in which case maybe you already have.)

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932

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everyone complained about Barack Hussein Obama, no one minded Joseph Biden

This is further complicated by the fact that an action may be deemed immoral in one time and place but not in another, and also that a name may be considered common in one time and place but not in another. Your kid could be doing something right now that people in the next century will consider an unforgivable atrocity, and his boring ordinary name might go down in history as an unspeakable curse among members of a future society where everyone is named “Zebulon” or “Zaphod.”

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931

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2nd place is Kirk and Spock's dying farewell at the end of Wrath of Khan

I would pay real money to see an interpretation of Romeo and Juliet where the two of them seal that tender moment with a resounding, awesome high five. For two reasons: 1. because it would be awesome, and 2. because a Romeo and Juliet who would do that would probably not be dippy enough to wind up dead at the end of the play.

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927

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if God wanted them to go extinct, it's not really a design FLAW

I would never say that any species “deserves” to live more than another, but it’s true that some species are much harder to save fron extinction than other ones. Reading about the kakapo parrot is just plain depressing. It only breeds in years when there’s a lot of food, it nests on the ground where predators can eat its eggs and babies, and the female has to leave her nest unattended when she goes to eat, because the male doesn’t help out. Plus, she lays only 3 eggs at a time, at most, and the babies don’t start having babies of their own until they’re about 5 years old. So you can imagine how many die before they can perpetuate the species.

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926

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whichever one is a faster cookie-eater

All prime numbers, including seven, are equally unlucky. However, I seem to be alone in this belief… some of my favorite Asian restaurants insist on doling out appetizers in prime-numbered servings, forcing me and my friends to cut delicious morsels in halves or thirds so everyone can be satisfied.

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925

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don't expect straight answers from a twisted mind and a bent thumb

My right thumb will only bend backward a little bit, while my left thumb will bend back at virtually a 90-degree angle. According to a palm-reading book I used to have, backward bending of the thumb indicates willingness to acquiesce to other people’s desires, and the non-dominant hand reveals one’s own inner self, while the dominant hand reveals the front that one shows to the world. So this means that I appear to the world as a person who stands up for herself, but I secretly want to be a doormat. (Note to people who don’t know me in person: that is exactly the reverse of how I really am. So maybe I’m secretly left-handed.)

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